Time.

I keep starting blog entires but never finishing them, always stuck on words or the lack of them. I keep writing and re-writing, and deleting, and starting anew. And there's never enough time. 

Come on!

I'm nervous. I don't think I have what it takes. I'm afraid I'll fumble my words and that my students will see how insecure I am. They're worth more than my insecurities, and I'm trying I'M TRYING I'm trying to push past them. But I feel stuck somehow - I'm coming up against "teacher's block" as I'm trying to write these lesson plans. The little things are distracting me, and I can't focus. I've been sitting at my computer for a while now, and I've written nothing. Kelley, you've GOT to focus! Come on! Come on! You can do it. You have to - for your students. Come on. Get going. Go. Gone.

Moving on Thursday!!

Hi. Just a blurb about what I'm thinking and feeling about Thursday, June 17th, the day I drive 9-10 hours to Washington, DC to search for housing and begin Induction and then Institute.  As of tonight, I don't feel ready to move to another state, to start a hurried, hectic, and demanding schedule once more, to be charged with more work and responsibility than I've [probably] ever been charged with before, and to start all things-including relationships-anew.  Right now, I just feel overwhelmed and scared and inadequate.  Whoa, how's that for the honest truth?  I know overwhelming thoughts and feelings come and go, and I do respect that, but it's hard to feel truly prepared when I see this daunting mountain in front of me.  I know there will be so many good times, priceless moments with new best friends and colleagues and meaningful work and the opportunity to make an impact by doing something I've wanted to do for a very long time, but it's hard to see those golden moments now.  (It's like being at Horombo Hut on Mount Kilimanjaro, at 11PM as we're waking up from the freezing bunks to begin the summit to Uhuru's Peak.  I have a feeling it will be great at the top of the mountain, gazing around at all of East Africa as the sun rises when I reach the summit, but as I'm about to begin the ascent, it's only dark, windy, below freezing ..and I am nervous that I won't have what it takes.)  


Several people have advised me that it's going to be "so hard," that I'll need more than youthful energy & naive (their word, not mine) optimism & an ambition for excellence in order to succeed and to last, and that I need to prepare for a lot of bureaucratic red tape at my school and, well, everywhere.  Ugh, I KNOW!  That's life, right?  Isn't life hard?  And don't you need something more than energy and ambition to make it through the politics and to the end, to the part where He smiles and says, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."?  Yes, that is life. 


So I guess I just need to hear that it's OK to not work until 3:42AM preparing lesson plans every night (which is the expectation / vibe I'm getting from current and past corps members and from all the pre-reading that I'm still behind on), and I need to hear once more that it is OK to shoot for excellence but to be satisfied with whatever results come forth (whether the results measure in at 'excellent' or 'well done.')  Hell, if I fail, so be it. If I fail, and I will, may I fail well.  May I also not make a habit of it. 
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sG had her amazing arangetram ((Tamil: அரங்கேற்றம்), the debut on-stage performance of a Bharatanatyam student, after undertaking years of training) this evening. I wish I had the words to describe it. I wish I could actually articulate just how in awe I truly am, how proud of her we all are, how beautiful she is, how wonderfully she danced, how dedicated she has been. It was a 3-hr solo classical Indian dance ceremony/recital/celebration and her relatives from India and all over the country flew in to celebrate her. Wow. Just wow.
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Amanda is back from Liberia, and 22.
Brittany and Josh are in Kentucky, being married and working and going to school full time.
Bekah is still rockin' it (selling books / managing teams) in Indiana.
Heather is all moved in to her new apartment (without me), working full time at her awesome new office management job.
Matt has gone and returned from his month-long road trip, and wanders
Becca & David, Joanna & Phinzy, Ashlyn & Miles, Kara & Stuart, and Ashley & Tate are all married now. Kristen & Scott and Hillary & Elliott are left... Only a few more weeks ;)
Ryleigh is 2.
I am about to move. I am not ready! I _____ . 


The end. 

Words

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who've come alive." - [Howard Thurman]

"If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning." - [C.S. Lewis]

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no "ordinary" people. You have never talked to a mere mortal." - [C.S. Lewis]

"And this makes all the difference. This changes everything." - [DCB]

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again." - [William Penn]

"Leaders expect the best of the people around them." - [Warren Bennis]

“You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room.” - [Dr. Seuss]

"Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all." - [Winston Churchill]

"Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told." - [Habakkuk 1:5]

"Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above" - [Robert Robinson]

"And when they played they really played. And when they worked they really worked." - [Dr. Seuss]

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good." - [Dr. Seuss]

"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." - [Thomas Carruthers]

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear." - [C.S. Lewis]

"I have found a desire within myself that no experience in this world can satisfy; the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - [C.S. Lewis]

"All that is not eternal is eternally out of date." - [C.S. Lewis]

"Lamb says somewhere that if, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A but “A’s part in C,” while C loses not only A but “A’s part in B.” In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him “to myself” now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. Hence true Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, “Here comes one who will augment our loves.” For in this love “to divide is not to take away.” Of course the scarcity of kindred souls – not to mention practical considerations about the size of rooms and the audibility of voices – set limits to the enlargement of the circle; but within those limits we possess each friend not less but more as the number of those with whom we share him increases. In this, Friendship exhibits a glorious “nearness by resemblance” to Heaven itself where the very multitude of the blessed (which no man can number) increases the fruition which each has of God. For every soul, seeing Him in her own way, doubtless communicates that unique vision to all the rest. That, says an old author, is why the Seraphim in Isaiah’s vision are crying “Holy, Holy, Holy” to one another (Isaiah VI, 3) The more we thus share the Heavenly Bread between us, the more we shall all have.” - [C.S. Lewis]

"No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good." - [C.S. Lewis]

"You wanna be really brave? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling." - [Elizabethtown]

Guaranteed.

Eddie Vedder, I admire you very much. I like your sound and I love your lyrics. I am inspired by the rhythm and the movement of Hard Sun, Rise, and Guaranteed, for example. Eddie Vedder, your voice and the songs- they are deep, true, romantic, soothing, and good. I want to climb the mountains, scale the terrain, and run for miles in the forest when I think of going Into The Wild. Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere. Oh but on one point I disagree... on bended knees is the only way to be free.

-

It is so good to be home. I love my family so much! I've been back and forth between Athens and Atlanta since I graduated on May 8th and even though it's a lot of driving, it's wonderful to spend time with my wonderful friends in Athens and to catch up with folks in Johns Creek. I love being home because the memories of my house - the smells, sounds, familiarities, routines, and people - the memories are comforting. I love being home because my mom makes home-cooked meals with entirely too big portions because she loves to serve and comfort us. I love being home because I get to spend quality time with my mom, dad, and brothers. I love laying by the pool, reading, staying up too late, going to bed too early, and relaxing. It is such a blessing to be home.

2010-2012

Hey! I have a job! I will be teaching 6th Grade Problem Solving (applied math) at Cesar Chavez Public Charter School: Bruce Prep Campus in Washington, DC. WOOHOO!

I am going to do a much better job of setting aside at least an hour if not more per week to write about the experiences of teaching, all the joys and hardships alike. I wish I had done that this year because LORD knows there was so much to write about!

words with rhythm and beat.

Why do I always find song lyrics more appropriate to describe how I feel and what I think? I like other people's thoughts - from movies and books and Scripture. Sometimes I wish I was insightful, profound, and witty, like a sage. Other times I just don't care. Music, lately, has penetrated the depths of my soul. There have been too many times that I've been unable to articulate how I feel and what I think, why I hurt or just how happy I am. Music of all sorts has put words into my mouth and feelings to my heart. I wonder why it has only been recently that I've realized the power in song and dance and rhythm and beat.

My ability to write, especially to write creatively or spontaneously, has had diminishing returns for the past several months. I just can't write - nothing comes onto the pages except an analysis of why I can't write. So I've been listening to music and obsessing over lyrics and letting drums and guitars and the piano take me away that place of perfect peace.

The Water Is Wide

"We wanted to do so much, wanted to be small catalysts in the transformation of the disfigured sacramental body of the South, which had sired us. I was a cynic who needed desperately to believe in the salvation of mankind or at least in the potential salvation. Bernie was an optimist who needed proof that his philosophy of joy and the resurrection of the spirit was not the delusion of a grinning Pollyanna. God, we were concerned about things: war, prejudice, injustice, education. Together we were insufferable, pontifical, self-righteous voices of the Eucharist, pipelines to the Almighty. We could not be wrong, because we were young, humanistic, and full of shit."
- Pat Conroy, The Water Is Wide (1972) p. 149

-

Me, too.

A Theory of Justice

I want to learn more about justice. America's justice, international systems and governments administering justice, the difference between justice and the law, justice of the God of the Bible, modern-day Christianity's understanding of justice, and so much more. So I'm reading. I'm a nerd!!! I'm reading books and listening to courses on iTunes U (a recent discovery).

For class -
A Theory of Justice by John Rawls

From iTunes U -
An Introduction to New Testament History & Literature
A History of Political Philosophy
Rules, Rights, & Justice - An Introduction to Law

I need to catch my breathe, give me a moment.

I can't sleep tonight because I'm thinking about calculus problems that I don't yet know how to do and a portfolio section that I haven't yet started writing and a TFA deadline I'm simply not going to meet and six required hours of volunteering and an accompanying paper that I don't have time to do and cases that I don't have enough time for. BREATHE. Damn, I ended a sentence with a preposition.

But still this song is on repeat in my head -
. . .
"And I cannot hold it in and remain composed.
Love's taken over me and so I propose . . . letting myself go.
I am letting myself go.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
You are my joy.
I need to catch my breath,
I need to-
I need to catch my breath,
give me a moment now."
(dcb)

Hallelujah

It's not a cry that you hear at night.
It's not somebody who's seen the light.
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

My prayer for the families is hallelujah. My prayer for the foot soldiers is hallelujah. Hallelujah is faith-filled, powerful, hard, and true.

It is so cold and it is so broken but it is so h-a-l-l-e-l-u-j-a-h.

Industrial Engineering

C is an Industrial Engineering major at Georgia Tech. She is really freaking smart! C decided to take her second semester of her junior year off to develop this non-profit supplemental education foundation in the projects of west Atlanta. After meeting to learn more about her program, the best practices she has already picked up from others in the field, and how she's operating, I became exceptionally impressed with her internalization of the I.E. mantra:

"Don't work hard, work smart."

Too often I work harder than I work smart. I want to improve here. Thanks, C, for the inspiration.

$10

"I finally found a life worth living for. It's not mine, it's Yours." - Daniel Bashta

Last Monday when I was meeting with K and A for discipleship, I brought K her copy of Forgotten God by Francis Chan. We read Crazy Love last semester and decided to read Forgotten God while studying the book of Acts this semester. Focus: the Holy Spirit. I brought her the book and she gave me $10 for it. I mentioned that I felt funny about putting the cash in my Bible case. (I didn't have my pursue with me). She said, "Aw it's okay, it can just be your offering next week."

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I ran into a 'friend on the street,' Michael, this morning on my way into church. Michael and his wife are homeless in Athens. There's a really long story about my conversation with Michael and his wife. I can't do justice to the blessing I received by talking with him and hearing his story and receiving his teachings while we sat in the lobby of Redeemer Presbyterian (while the rest of the congregation was in the sanctuary). So I'm not going to write all that. Almost two hours after we started talking, it was time for church to be let out. He asked me if I wanted to bless the Lord. I knew in that moment that my $10 in my Bible that was for this week's offering was absolutely for Michael and his wife. I told him, "Yeah, God had our meeting in mind last week. This is my offering to Him, to you. Be blessed."

Freedom is falling.

A present thought about the ever-nearing future.

District of Columbia, math, principals of middle & high schools, lease agreements, and everything that comes with being a grown-up: YOU ARE SCARING THE HELL OUTTA ME!